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Fic: Human Courtship Practices in Five Easy Steps
Title: Human Courtship Practices in Five Easy Steps
Rating: PG-13 for a few off color jokes
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Word Count: 3344
Warnings: None. This is pretty much straight fluff.
Disclaimer: The characters do no belong to me.
Notes: Written for this prompt at the kink meme. Unbetaed. Sorry about that.
Spock’s mother had a fondness for twentieth century Terran romantic comedies. When Spock was young, he had sat with her, watching these bizarre depictions of human courtship rituals, eye brows raised quizzically, trying to find any logic in their behavior. By the end of the film, Amanda was usually sniffling in a highly emotional way and Spock was still struggling to understand what he had seen. If he asked for explanations, Amanda would only smile and tell him that love wasn’t logical.
Spock found this to be a very frustrating response, as it did not clarify anything. Eventually, he refrained from asking, though he continued to watch the films with her until he left for the Starfleet Academy.
Later, due to a rather cruel prank by some of the other Vulcans, Spock was treated to his first exposure to human pornography. The older boys held him in place, forcing him to watch – it was only logical that Spock, being half-human, learn the appropriate human methods of sexual congress. It seemed to involve great deal of spitting, spanking, unusual positions, and ejaculation in places that did not seem conducive to procreation. It was amazing that humans managed to create offspring at all if this was how they went about it.
Years later, Spock felt strangely grateful for this early education in human romantic relationships. Surrounded by humans as he was, it was logical that eventually he would develop an attraction to one, and knowing the correct way to approach the subject was always a preferable course of action.
Hostility
He first noticed it after yet another argument with Doctor McCoy. His heart rate was elevated 2.8% more than was usual during one of their debates. Hardly significant, but as it was accompanied by the prickly, burning feeling of his skin flushing, and the beginnings of arousal in his genitals, it was obvious what the cause was. He was attracted to Doctor McCoy. Taking in to account his understanding of human courting rituals, which frequently seemed to involve arguing as a preliminary display of attraction, it was equally logical that the doctor was attempting to signal his sexual interest in Spock, and had been since their initial meeting.
Later, when his shift had finished, he was at leisure to give the situation further thought.
He would need to begin preparations for the next step of courtship. He must endeavor to arrange situations where he and Doctor McCoy would be alone together, preferably involving indirect means and deception. They would have to argue more, this time about things that were unimportant in a more light-hearted manner.
This all seemed needlessly complex and requiring an illogical amount of effort. Spock would have preferred to just go to the doctor and state his interest directly, but as the doctor was human and had instigated the rituals, he obviously preferred this method to something more expedient. Spock could appreciate the doctor’s desire to adhere to tradition, even if it seemed inefficient. It also seemed prudent to show his willingness to compromise, as it would increase the possibility of the doctor participating in Vulcan traditions, should the occasion arise.
Banter
Spock decided to initiate the second step of the ritual quickly. He had already taken an extended period to acknowledge Doctor McCoy’s initial advances, and it seemed that proceeding as soon as possible would ensure the doctor did not lose interest or believe that his feelings were not reciprocated.
He determined that the most obvious way of being alone with the doctor was to create an injury or illness that would require medical attention during Doctor McCoy’s shift. It would then simply be a matter of asking to be examined in private, where he could then begin an argument about something innocuous.
However, his attempts to contrive a reason to visit sick bay were surprisingly unsuccessful. He was seldom ill and had no skill with deception. Therefore he would have to injure himself in some fashion that would not be obviously self-inflicted, worryingly serious, or rendering him unconscious – potential death was an option saved for later steps of courtship. This left limited choices, but Spock believed he could injure himself during planetary exploration and give unfamiliar terrain as a plausible cause.
Unfortunately, the next away team he was a member of was attacked by hostile indigenous beings and the Captain was injured too severely for Spock to enact his plan. This continued to be a pattern of away missions until Spock was forced to reconsider his strategy if he wanted to proceed in a timely fashion.
His next idea was to alter his shifts so that his mealtimes coincided with the doctor’s. However, he failed to take into account McCoy’s seeming inability to adhere to a schedule. He kept showing up as Spock was leaving, or leaving as Spock arrived. He could attempt to engage in an argument about his eating habits, but this seemed like a topic that could quickly escalate beyond the acceptable bounds of second stage bickering.
He decided to allow the doctor to tease him. This seemed to be an acceptable way to create camaraderie, and it made the doctor laugh, which was pleasant for Spock, even if he would generally prefer not to be the one laughed at. Still, if he had learned anything about human courtship, it was that it required a willingness to sacrifice dignity in the pursuit of the person one desired.
The next time he spoke to the doctor, he made sure to question or analyze every colorful idiom the other man used, even the ones he had learned the meaning of.
“Doctor, I am sure that you will find that the Captain is not equine in any way, nor does he bear any resemblance to such a creature’s posterior,” Spock said, raising an eyebrow.
“Tell me that when he manages to come back from one of this missions without requiring a visit to me,” Doctor McCoy grumbled, seeming only slightly amused at Spock's feigned ignorance.
While allowing the doctor to laugh at him had produced some results, Spock decided to try making him laugh at someone else.
After another mission, where the Captain remained uninjured but instead decided to engage in sexual activities with one of the natives, he sought out the doctor to warn him that the Captain would be requiring an examination when he returned, and possibly a course of antibiotics.
“One of these times he’s going to get something that I can't fix. I should just leave him to it. See how it likes it when he catches something that makes it turn black and drop off.”
“The Captain does take “Boldly going where no one has gone before” to extremes I don’t think were intended,” Spock acknowledged.
Doctor McCoy huffed a laugh. “I would ask you to try to get him to keep it in his pants, but I don’t think anything short of incurable impotence would be up for the task.” The doctor paused. “I wonder if I have a hypospray for that anywhere.”
Spock considered this for a moment. “If you do not, I could assist you in synthesizing something which would have that effect. Between the two of us, it should be easy to achieve.”
The doctor laughed, a real laugh this time. “I’ll keep that in mind Spock.” He chuckled as he walked away, and Spock considered step two to have been successfully completed.
Getting to Know You
The third stage seemed much easier than the second. He would reveal some unknown aspect of his personality to Doctor McCoy, something that he would find pleasing or unexpected. This revelation would allow them to interact more amicably until step four, particularly if it was assisted with gifts.
He sought the doctor out in his office when he knew the other man would be nearly finished with his shift.
“Spock,” Doctor McCoy said warmly. “What can I do for you?”
Spock found himself pleased to be greeted with a smile. The doctor had apparently had a pleasant day. “I am here to ask if you would join me for dinner.”
“Sure,” he said. “I was just finishing up.” He moved out of his office to give a few last minute instructions to his relief, and gestured for Spock to follow him.
They walked together in silence that Spock found companionable, although he realized that he should probably be speaking.
“Doctor, do you enjoying being on the Enterprise,” he asked finally.
“Could you stop being so damn formal all the time? You don’t need to call me by my title if we’re socializing. And yes, I enjoy being here, as much as one can enjoy being out in the middle of nowhere with only a giant tin can separating him from a painful death.”
Spock remembered the Captain mentioning the doctor’s aviophobia at one point and recalled seeing a mention of an astrophobia seminar in his record. “Why did you choose to join Starfleet if you are uncomfortable with space?”
“Divorce. Let’s not talk about it,” Leonard said, before turning into the mess.
They retrieved their food and found a quiet place to sit.
“You know what I really miss,” Leonard said. “Food. Real food, not this stuff from the replicators.”
Leonard had given Spock the perfect opportunity. “I used to enjoy cooking. My mother taught me.” He chose to focus on the pleasant aspects of the memories, so as to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the grief that was still fresh.
“I never really had a chance to learn. My parents were always too busy with other things, and neither of them cooked much. Still, it was nice when they did.”
“If you would like, I could cook for you some time,” Spock offered. “I am familiar with both Terran and Vulcan dishes.”
“Really,” Leonard said, an eyebrow raised in a manner that Spock was beginning to find both familiar and endearing. “I might take you up on that.”
After they finished their meals, Leonard said goodnight and Spock returned to his quarters to prepare for the next step. During the course of their conversation Leonard had revealed that he enjoyed music, possibly a suggestion of a gift that he would enjoy.
Spock carefully selected some of his favorite pieces of traditional Vulcan music and compiled a disk. He left it in Leonard’s office before he began his evening meditations, assured that while he did not leave his name, Leonard would be able to determine who the gift was from.
The Rift
It was time to engage assistance. Spock thought that the Captain would be the most suitable accomplice for this step, as he was a friend to both parties, and experienced enough to have participated in these rituals on numerous occasions.
He approached the Captain after his shift. “Captain, I would like to ask for your assistance in a matter of some importance,” Spock said quietly, when they had moved beyond the hearing of any other members of the crew.
The Captain looked at him, frowning. “Is it something to do with the ship? Have there been problems that I need to handle?”
“No, Captain. This is assistance of a personal nature. As you may have noticed, Doctor McCoy and I have been engaging in courtship. I would like you to aid me in progressing this ritual.”
“Wait, what,” the Captain said, apparently puzzled. “Courtship? You and Bones? I know I said that you two fight like an old married couple, but I didn’t think you would take it literally.”
“I have not. We have not progressed to the point of marriage, although if I am successful, it may become a possibility.”
The Captain stared at him as if he had grown an additional head. However, the Captain frequently seemed to direct a similar expression at Spock, so he was not particularly concerned.
“What sort of assistance do you need? Do you want me to put in a good word for you or something? Because you don’t need me to break into his room for you, you have an override code, and after the last time I let someone wait in his room for him naked, he threatened to inject me with something that would cause elephantitis of the nuts.” The Captain shuddered and Spock made a mental note to find out whether the doctor was capable of making good on this threat and whether it could be useful in restraining some of the Captain’s more dangerous urges in the future.
“No Captain. I only need you to create a situation that will arouse possessive urges in the doctor by demonstrating that I am a desirable partner.”
The Captain laughed. “You want to make him jealous.”
Spock inclined his head slightly in agreement. “Yes. Having him witness a kiss seems to be traditional in these matters.”
“You’re lucky I like you both. You’ll owe me for this.” The Captain looked at him, and Spock stiffened a little under his assessment. “You’re really serious about this?”
“I am.”
“’Cause you know that if you hurt him, I’ll have to do something unpleasant to you. Like get you reassigned to Delta Vega.”
Spock frowned, unsure if this would actually be within the Captain’s power to accomplish. Normally, he would not have worried. However, Captain Kirk seemed to have ways of defying odds and expectations. “It is not my intention to cause Doctor McCoy any distress. While I cannot predict the future course of our relationship, I am not entering with the aim of hurting him.”
The Captain shrugged. “Just keep it in mind. He’s my best friend. Someone has to look out for him.
“I’ll invite him to my room at 1900. Show up a little early.”
“Thank you, Captain. I appreciate your assistance.”
“Does that mean you’ll finally call me Jim when we’re off duty?”
**
That evening, Spock found himself waiting uncomfortably for the time to arrive. The Captain…Jim, he corrected himself, was sprawled in a chair, looking perfectly at ease. Spock took this as a confirmation that Jim had been involved in similar situations often enough to feel comfortable. Spock, however, was not as confident.
As the moment approached, Spock was unsure if he really wanted to do this. He had worried about this step particularly, as it always seemed unnecessarily painful for the participants. Leonard could be somewhat volatile, anyway. He hoped the man wouldn’t cry. However, it was a required step, and Spock had come this far.
The Captain had assured him that Leonard would be punctual and had left his door unlocked, so that discovery was guaranteed.
Spock could feel the moment arrive, and was glad when Jim, with impeccable timing, grabbed him firmly and kissed him.
The door opened, and Spock allowed the kiss to continue until he heard the doctor’s shocked intake of breath.
“Jesus Jim. Is this why you wanted me to stop by? Well, you’ve made your point.”
Spock looked, and found himself upset by the expression on the other man’s face as he left. If Spock had to name it, he would have called it betrayed.
Jim sighed. “That went about as well as can be expected. I hope you know what you’re doing, because that is going to be painful, even after I explain it to Bones.”
Spock took that as confirmation that this step had been completed successfully. He would be glad when this whole ritual was complete, as he found it deeply unpleasant to hurt someone that he had come to care for.
The Grand Gesture
Now that the courtship was nearly complete, Spock had to decide on the grand gesture. He considered requesting a meeting at the Empire State Building, but as they would not be returning to Earth for some time, it would not heal the rift soon enough for Spock’s comfort. He was unaware of any of the doctor’s family members who he might assist in secret, while relying on gossip to reveal his deeds. While he could possibly arrange a confrontation with the former Mrs. McCoy, he did not think that punching her or throwing her into a fountain would be acceptable to law enforcement officials or his superiors at Starfleet. The doctor was not getting married again, so he could not interrupt the ceremony with confessions of his desire.
He continued to consider and dismiss several possibilities, before finally deciding on one that could be accomplished quickly and with resources at his disposal.
He checked to make sure that Leonard was in his quarters, gathered his supplies and went to his location.
He turned the volume of his portable music player to a setting he knew would be audible through the walls, ensured that the correct song was set to play repeatedly and took position, holding the player over his head as it blasted “In Your Eyes” in the direction of Leonard’s door.
He noticed several crew members opening their doors to investigate the disturbance, many of them giggling and continuing to watch. He had expected this, as this stage seemed to involve acts that could lead to embarrassment, probably as a way of demonstrating remorse and devotion.
“What in the hell? Spock?” The doctor was glaring at him from his door, dressed only in a pair of pajama pants, his hair in disarray. He had obviously been asleep. He blinked and focused his glare on the giggles that were getting increasingly louder. “Alright, show’s over. Spock, turn that damn thing off and get the hell in here.”
Spock shut the player off and attempted to suppress a smile. He suspected that he was failing, although it was impossible not to feel a sense of accomplishment at having completed his portion of this ridiculous ritual.
“What is the meaning of all this? You’re flirting with me one day, kissing Jim the next, and now you’re standing outside my door at all hours of the night?”
“I was attempting to comply with Earth courtship practices. I was limited for choice, but I hope you found my actions satisfactory.”
“Earth courtship practices? Where the hell would you pick that up from? Did Jim tell you that?”
“I became familiar with them by watching films with my mother when I was a child. Once I realized that I was attracted to you and that you had initiated courtship, I attempted to follow your traditions to the best of my ability.” Spock suspected that he sounded a bit smug, but it was satisfying to surprise the doctor with his knowledge of human culture.
Leonard was laughing, something that Spock chose to take as a good sign. “Well, don’t that just beat all. I can’t say that anyone has ever gone to that much trouble to woo me before.” Leonard grinned, and Spock couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that expression created in him.
He moved closer, until he was sharing the doctor’s personal space. “This is the part where we kiss, isn’t it,” he asked.
Leonard didn’t answer, instead pulling him closer and eliminating the last few inches that separated them. He was looking up at him with an expression that Spock could only characterize as desire, before he closed his eyes and their mouths met. Leonard’s lips where cool, soft and Spock was glad to realize that it had all been worth it. He stopped thinking until the doctor pulled away, his lips moist from their shared kiss, his eyes hooded and his happiness radiating from his skin where they touched.
“So you got all that from movies,” Leonard said. “Just tell me you didn't learn about human sex from porn.”
Spock could feel himself blushing and turned away. Leonard just laughed. “Well, try to forget all that. I’m a doctor, not a contortionist.”
Spock felt himself smile, just the tiniest bit, helpless to resist the genuine affection he felt from the other man. “Does that mean you won't require me to ejaculate on your face after we engage in intercourse,” he said, confident that the other man would share in the joke with him.
“Maybe on special occasions,” Leonard said, before pulling him in to kiss again.
Rating: PG-13 for a few off color jokes
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Word Count: 3344
Warnings: None. This is pretty much straight fluff.
Disclaimer: The characters do no belong to me.
Notes: Written for this prompt at the kink meme. Unbetaed. Sorry about that.
Spock’s mother had a fondness for twentieth century Terran romantic comedies. When Spock was young, he had sat with her, watching these bizarre depictions of human courtship rituals, eye brows raised quizzically, trying to find any logic in their behavior. By the end of the film, Amanda was usually sniffling in a highly emotional way and Spock was still struggling to understand what he had seen. If he asked for explanations, Amanda would only smile and tell him that love wasn’t logical.
Spock found this to be a very frustrating response, as it did not clarify anything. Eventually, he refrained from asking, though he continued to watch the films with her until he left for the Starfleet Academy.
Later, due to a rather cruel prank by some of the other Vulcans, Spock was treated to his first exposure to human pornography. The older boys held him in place, forcing him to watch – it was only logical that Spock, being half-human, learn the appropriate human methods of sexual congress. It seemed to involve great deal of spitting, spanking, unusual positions, and ejaculation in places that did not seem conducive to procreation. It was amazing that humans managed to create offspring at all if this was how they went about it.
Years later, Spock felt strangely grateful for this early education in human romantic relationships. Surrounded by humans as he was, it was logical that eventually he would develop an attraction to one, and knowing the correct way to approach the subject was always a preferable course of action.
Hostility
He first noticed it after yet another argument with Doctor McCoy. His heart rate was elevated 2.8% more than was usual during one of their debates. Hardly significant, but as it was accompanied by the prickly, burning feeling of his skin flushing, and the beginnings of arousal in his genitals, it was obvious what the cause was. He was attracted to Doctor McCoy. Taking in to account his understanding of human courting rituals, which frequently seemed to involve arguing as a preliminary display of attraction, it was equally logical that the doctor was attempting to signal his sexual interest in Spock, and had been since their initial meeting.
Later, when his shift had finished, he was at leisure to give the situation further thought.
He would need to begin preparations for the next step of courtship. He must endeavor to arrange situations where he and Doctor McCoy would be alone together, preferably involving indirect means and deception. They would have to argue more, this time about things that were unimportant in a more light-hearted manner.
This all seemed needlessly complex and requiring an illogical amount of effort. Spock would have preferred to just go to the doctor and state his interest directly, but as the doctor was human and had instigated the rituals, he obviously preferred this method to something more expedient. Spock could appreciate the doctor’s desire to adhere to tradition, even if it seemed inefficient. It also seemed prudent to show his willingness to compromise, as it would increase the possibility of the doctor participating in Vulcan traditions, should the occasion arise.
Banter
Spock decided to initiate the second step of the ritual quickly. He had already taken an extended period to acknowledge Doctor McCoy’s initial advances, and it seemed that proceeding as soon as possible would ensure the doctor did not lose interest or believe that his feelings were not reciprocated.
He determined that the most obvious way of being alone with the doctor was to create an injury or illness that would require medical attention during Doctor McCoy’s shift. It would then simply be a matter of asking to be examined in private, where he could then begin an argument about something innocuous.
However, his attempts to contrive a reason to visit sick bay were surprisingly unsuccessful. He was seldom ill and had no skill with deception. Therefore he would have to injure himself in some fashion that would not be obviously self-inflicted, worryingly serious, or rendering him unconscious – potential death was an option saved for later steps of courtship. This left limited choices, but Spock believed he could injure himself during planetary exploration and give unfamiliar terrain as a plausible cause.
Unfortunately, the next away team he was a member of was attacked by hostile indigenous beings and the Captain was injured too severely for Spock to enact his plan. This continued to be a pattern of away missions until Spock was forced to reconsider his strategy if he wanted to proceed in a timely fashion.
His next idea was to alter his shifts so that his mealtimes coincided with the doctor’s. However, he failed to take into account McCoy’s seeming inability to adhere to a schedule. He kept showing up as Spock was leaving, or leaving as Spock arrived. He could attempt to engage in an argument about his eating habits, but this seemed like a topic that could quickly escalate beyond the acceptable bounds of second stage bickering.
He decided to allow the doctor to tease him. This seemed to be an acceptable way to create camaraderie, and it made the doctor laugh, which was pleasant for Spock, even if he would generally prefer not to be the one laughed at. Still, if he had learned anything about human courtship, it was that it required a willingness to sacrifice dignity in the pursuit of the person one desired.
The next time he spoke to the doctor, he made sure to question or analyze every colorful idiom the other man used, even the ones he had learned the meaning of.
“Doctor, I am sure that you will find that the Captain is not equine in any way, nor does he bear any resemblance to such a creature’s posterior,” Spock said, raising an eyebrow.
“Tell me that when he manages to come back from one of this missions without requiring a visit to me,” Doctor McCoy grumbled, seeming only slightly amused at Spock's feigned ignorance.
While allowing the doctor to laugh at him had produced some results, Spock decided to try making him laugh at someone else.
After another mission, where the Captain remained uninjured but instead decided to engage in sexual activities with one of the natives, he sought out the doctor to warn him that the Captain would be requiring an examination when he returned, and possibly a course of antibiotics.
“One of these times he’s going to get something that I can't fix. I should just leave him to it. See how it likes it when he catches something that makes it turn black and drop off.”
“The Captain does take “Boldly going where no one has gone before” to extremes I don’t think were intended,” Spock acknowledged.
Doctor McCoy huffed a laugh. “I would ask you to try to get him to keep it in his pants, but I don’t think anything short of incurable impotence would be up for the task.” The doctor paused. “I wonder if I have a hypospray for that anywhere.”
Spock considered this for a moment. “If you do not, I could assist you in synthesizing something which would have that effect. Between the two of us, it should be easy to achieve.”
The doctor laughed, a real laugh this time. “I’ll keep that in mind Spock.” He chuckled as he walked away, and Spock considered step two to have been successfully completed.
Getting to Know You
The third stage seemed much easier than the second. He would reveal some unknown aspect of his personality to Doctor McCoy, something that he would find pleasing or unexpected. This revelation would allow them to interact more amicably until step four, particularly if it was assisted with gifts.
He sought the doctor out in his office when he knew the other man would be nearly finished with his shift.
“Spock,” Doctor McCoy said warmly. “What can I do for you?”
Spock found himself pleased to be greeted with a smile. The doctor had apparently had a pleasant day. “I am here to ask if you would join me for dinner.”
“Sure,” he said. “I was just finishing up.” He moved out of his office to give a few last minute instructions to his relief, and gestured for Spock to follow him.
They walked together in silence that Spock found companionable, although he realized that he should probably be speaking.
“Doctor, do you enjoying being on the Enterprise,” he asked finally.
“Could you stop being so damn formal all the time? You don’t need to call me by my title if we’re socializing. And yes, I enjoy being here, as much as one can enjoy being out in the middle of nowhere with only a giant tin can separating him from a painful death.”
Spock remembered the Captain mentioning the doctor’s aviophobia at one point and recalled seeing a mention of an astrophobia seminar in his record. “Why did you choose to join Starfleet if you are uncomfortable with space?”
“Divorce. Let’s not talk about it,” Leonard said, before turning into the mess.
They retrieved their food and found a quiet place to sit.
“You know what I really miss,” Leonard said. “Food. Real food, not this stuff from the replicators.”
Leonard had given Spock the perfect opportunity. “I used to enjoy cooking. My mother taught me.” He chose to focus on the pleasant aspects of the memories, so as to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the grief that was still fresh.
“I never really had a chance to learn. My parents were always too busy with other things, and neither of them cooked much. Still, it was nice when they did.”
“If you would like, I could cook for you some time,” Spock offered. “I am familiar with both Terran and Vulcan dishes.”
“Really,” Leonard said, an eyebrow raised in a manner that Spock was beginning to find both familiar and endearing. “I might take you up on that.”
After they finished their meals, Leonard said goodnight and Spock returned to his quarters to prepare for the next step. During the course of their conversation Leonard had revealed that he enjoyed music, possibly a suggestion of a gift that he would enjoy.
Spock carefully selected some of his favorite pieces of traditional Vulcan music and compiled a disk. He left it in Leonard’s office before he began his evening meditations, assured that while he did not leave his name, Leonard would be able to determine who the gift was from.
The Rift
It was time to engage assistance. Spock thought that the Captain would be the most suitable accomplice for this step, as he was a friend to both parties, and experienced enough to have participated in these rituals on numerous occasions.
He approached the Captain after his shift. “Captain, I would like to ask for your assistance in a matter of some importance,” Spock said quietly, when they had moved beyond the hearing of any other members of the crew.
The Captain looked at him, frowning. “Is it something to do with the ship? Have there been problems that I need to handle?”
“No, Captain. This is assistance of a personal nature. As you may have noticed, Doctor McCoy and I have been engaging in courtship. I would like you to aid me in progressing this ritual.”
“Wait, what,” the Captain said, apparently puzzled. “Courtship? You and Bones? I know I said that you two fight like an old married couple, but I didn’t think you would take it literally.”
“I have not. We have not progressed to the point of marriage, although if I am successful, it may become a possibility.”
The Captain stared at him as if he had grown an additional head. However, the Captain frequently seemed to direct a similar expression at Spock, so he was not particularly concerned.
“What sort of assistance do you need? Do you want me to put in a good word for you or something? Because you don’t need me to break into his room for you, you have an override code, and after the last time I let someone wait in his room for him naked, he threatened to inject me with something that would cause elephantitis of the nuts.” The Captain shuddered and Spock made a mental note to find out whether the doctor was capable of making good on this threat and whether it could be useful in restraining some of the Captain’s more dangerous urges in the future.
“No Captain. I only need you to create a situation that will arouse possessive urges in the doctor by demonstrating that I am a desirable partner.”
The Captain laughed. “You want to make him jealous.”
Spock inclined his head slightly in agreement. “Yes. Having him witness a kiss seems to be traditional in these matters.”
“You’re lucky I like you both. You’ll owe me for this.” The Captain looked at him, and Spock stiffened a little under his assessment. “You’re really serious about this?”
“I am.”
“’Cause you know that if you hurt him, I’ll have to do something unpleasant to you. Like get you reassigned to Delta Vega.”
Spock frowned, unsure if this would actually be within the Captain’s power to accomplish. Normally, he would not have worried. However, Captain Kirk seemed to have ways of defying odds and expectations. “It is not my intention to cause Doctor McCoy any distress. While I cannot predict the future course of our relationship, I am not entering with the aim of hurting him.”
The Captain shrugged. “Just keep it in mind. He’s my best friend. Someone has to look out for him.
“I’ll invite him to my room at 1900. Show up a little early.”
“Thank you, Captain. I appreciate your assistance.”
“Does that mean you’ll finally call me Jim when we’re off duty?”
**
That evening, Spock found himself waiting uncomfortably for the time to arrive. The Captain…Jim, he corrected himself, was sprawled in a chair, looking perfectly at ease. Spock took this as a confirmation that Jim had been involved in similar situations often enough to feel comfortable. Spock, however, was not as confident.
As the moment approached, Spock was unsure if he really wanted to do this. He had worried about this step particularly, as it always seemed unnecessarily painful for the participants. Leonard could be somewhat volatile, anyway. He hoped the man wouldn’t cry. However, it was a required step, and Spock had come this far.
The Captain had assured him that Leonard would be punctual and had left his door unlocked, so that discovery was guaranteed.
Spock could feel the moment arrive, and was glad when Jim, with impeccable timing, grabbed him firmly and kissed him.
The door opened, and Spock allowed the kiss to continue until he heard the doctor’s shocked intake of breath.
“Jesus Jim. Is this why you wanted me to stop by? Well, you’ve made your point.”
Spock looked, and found himself upset by the expression on the other man’s face as he left. If Spock had to name it, he would have called it betrayed.
Jim sighed. “That went about as well as can be expected. I hope you know what you’re doing, because that is going to be painful, even after I explain it to Bones.”
Spock took that as confirmation that this step had been completed successfully. He would be glad when this whole ritual was complete, as he found it deeply unpleasant to hurt someone that he had come to care for.
The Grand Gesture
Now that the courtship was nearly complete, Spock had to decide on the grand gesture. He considered requesting a meeting at the Empire State Building, but as they would not be returning to Earth for some time, it would not heal the rift soon enough for Spock’s comfort. He was unaware of any of the doctor’s family members who he might assist in secret, while relying on gossip to reveal his deeds. While he could possibly arrange a confrontation with the former Mrs. McCoy, he did not think that punching her or throwing her into a fountain would be acceptable to law enforcement officials or his superiors at Starfleet. The doctor was not getting married again, so he could not interrupt the ceremony with confessions of his desire.
He continued to consider and dismiss several possibilities, before finally deciding on one that could be accomplished quickly and with resources at his disposal.
He checked to make sure that Leonard was in his quarters, gathered his supplies and went to his location.
He turned the volume of his portable music player to a setting he knew would be audible through the walls, ensured that the correct song was set to play repeatedly and took position, holding the player over his head as it blasted “In Your Eyes” in the direction of Leonard’s door.
He noticed several crew members opening their doors to investigate the disturbance, many of them giggling and continuing to watch. He had expected this, as this stage seemed to involve acts that could lead to embarrassment, probably as a way of demonstrating remorse and devotion.
“What in the hell? Spock?” The doctor was glaring at him from his door, dressed only in a pair of pajama pants, his hair in disarray. He had obviously been asleep. He blinked and focused his glare on the giggles that were getting increasingly louder. “Alright, show’s over. Spock, turn that damn thing off and get the hell in here.”
Spock shut the player off and attempted to suppress a smile. He suspected that he was failing, although it was impossible not to feel a sense of accomplishment at having completed his portion of this ridiculous ritual.
“What is the meaning of all this? You’re flirting with me one day, kissing Jim the next, and now you’re standing outside my door at all hours of the night?”
“I was attempting to comply with Earth courtship practices. I was limited for choice, but I hope you found my actions satisfactory.”
“Earth courtship practices? Where the hell would you pick that up from? Did Jim tell you that?”
“I became familiar with them by watching films with my mother when I was a child. Once I realized that I was attracted to you and that you had initiated courtship, I attempted to follow your traditions to the best of my ability.” Spock suspected that he sounded a bit smug, but it was satisfying to surprise the doctor with his knowledge of human culture.
Leonard was laughing, something that Spock chose to take as a good sign. “Well, don’t that just beat all. I can’t say that anyone has ever gone to that much trouble to woo me before.” Leonard grinned, and Spock couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that expression created in him.
He moved closer, until he was sharing the doctor’s personal space. “This is the part where we kiss, isn’t it,” he asked.
Leonard didn’t answer, instead pulling him closer and eliminating the last few inches that separated them. He was looking up at him with an expression that Spock could only characterize as desire, before he closed his eyes and their mouths met. Leonard’s lips where cool, soft and Spock was glad to realize that it had all been worth it. He stopped thinking until the doctor pulled away, his lips moist from their shared kiss, his eyes hooded and his happiness radiating from his skin where they touched.
“So you got all that from movies,” Leonard said. “Just tell me you didn't learn about human sex from porn.”
Spock could feel himself blushing and turned away. Leonard just laughed. “Well, try to forget all that. I’m a doctor, not a contortionist.”
Spock felt himself smile, just the tiniest bit, helpless to resist the genuine affection he felt from the other man. “Does that mean you won't require me to ejaculate on your face after we engage in intercourse,” he said, confident that the other man would share in the joke with him.
“Maybe on special occasions,” Leonard said, before pulling him in to kiss again.
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♥
Going straight into my bookmarks forever.
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XD I cannot stop lol'ing at this. Oh, Mr. Spock. *LEERS*
But I love how he basically turned his life into a romcom to woo McCoy. ♥ Oh Spock, how so awkward.
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Thanks for your comment, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed the story!
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Yeah, it's probably best if aliens are exposed to our pop culture as little as possible. They'd probably end up thinking we all get married on reality shows or something.